God. Life lately. Kensucky was bluhhhhhh. Roller coasters at King's Island aside (which were fucking awesome), the trip consisted of phone internet and tuning out my parents and brother all fighting with each other or my mom alternately crying and ranting about her brothers and what assholes they are. Apparently me and Caleb wowed the pants off of everyone, though, which I suppose is pretty neat considering we're definitely not what they consider the norm. Apparently we've matured greatly and quite nicely (which is fucking lulz when you consider I spent the whole time we were home alone cleaning up after massive foodmess that Caleb and his friends made while intoxicated). Hopefully my mom with chill out now though. She's been so stressed and I really don't like seeing her cry. I'm so terrible with distressed or crying people it's so bad I never know what to do or say or anything. I wish I were better at making people feel better and stuff because I don't like it when people I care about are feeling shitty but my people skills are so bad. And whenever I start feeling like I should improve them, someone does something incredibly stupid to make me hate people all over again. I don't want to be a massive cynic who is unable to be happy just because of my own pessimism but sometimes it seems inevitable.
Speaking of, Bryan cannot take a fucking clue. I feel like I talk about him entirely too much and I really should just try to ignore him as much as possible because I really want to be done with all this drama so after this I will make a conscious effort to try to not talk about him because he's really not worth the attention. That being said, he cannot take a motherfucking hint. I mean, I would think me saying "I'm willing to be civil to you should we happen to be around mutual friends at the same time or something along those lines, but I'm not ready to be your friend again" is fairly straightforward. Apparently not, considering today he texted me to invite me (after painfully awkward conversation) to "chill and play pool" with him and Nathan and Kevin. I'm trying to figure out the most tactful way to say "I don't want to be around you, especially if you're smoking weed because your douchery all but increases exponentially when you're high" but I'm not sure there is one. All I know is if I have to put up with him when he's high, I'm not sure if I'll even be willing to be civil for that long. Ughhhhh people.
I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with myself lately. I feel like a massive douche trying to analyze myself in the first place, not to mention making long entries in here because seriously I have what, three people who read this, and it's not like this is anything but me being overdramatic and insecure and indecisive and probably more than slightly ridiculous. But I just... I don't know. I can't decide what I want or what I want to do in the long run. I feel like I'm in engineering and focused on demolition because at least my interest in that is fairly different from my other interests. I mean, I love photography and drawing and knitting and sewing and even writing, to an extent, but I can't do any of those as well as I'd like and I know practice makes perfect, but my attempts just fall so short of where I'd like to be that it's rather discouraging. It's naive and stupid to want perfection instantly, but I'm nothing if not immature. It's also not helpful that the internet is full of people who are grossly talented. I just... don't know if I'll ever feel like I'm good enough. Which, on top of my massive insecurities, is concerning me. I really don't know where all this insecurity is coming from. It might just be something that I thought I was supposed to have -- teenagers are supposed to be confused and conflicted and everything -- or something born out of a desire to have some form of depth or conflict or be interesting which, if that's true, is ridiculous and misguided (but what else is new) and completely fucking maddening because that means I completely did this to myself because I was retarded. Regardless of where it comes from, though, I'm determined to handle it this summer and at least do something about it. Then again, I'm also determined to get through my recon box (because seriously I could double my closet if I made that stuff wearable and the sheer waste of it all just sitting there is frustrating), and start a 365, and exercise so I'm not so out of shape, and draw more, and read because I really don't anymore and I feel like my self expression or intellect or something is suffering from that or maybe I just miss it, and a million other things that I won't end up doing because I am nothing if not predictably lazy and unable to finish things I start. I really would like to start writing again but I just have no ideas. I mean, I have ideas that I like and fragments of sentences and characters and things like that, but I just don't have enough to put together coherently or enough to add to one of those things that amounts to anything worth reading. I just... don't have ideas and it's ridiculous and frustrating but I don't really think I've ever been able to come up with much on my own. Everything is in some form borrowed from something else and just recycled and mashed up with three other things to create something that I like to pretend is mine and creative.
Went shopping with Holly earlier today and got clothes. I got a snazzy cardigan and a dress that's pretty cute and reminds me of a men's buttonup and a girly shirt. Shopping with Holly makes me realize how many different clothes I would wear if I could find stuff that I wasn't so goddamn picky about, had money to get, and wasn't terribly retarded about clothes. I get into ruts where I start wearing like... one thing or one style and don't wear anything else or I just get all self conscious and don't wear something that I would totally love to wear otherwise. I am massively picky about clothes, though. Holly said she can't figure out my style, though. And neither can I, really, which I don't worry about because I don't care if I fit into some label of a style or a personality or anything like that, which, you know, brings to my attention how horribly hypocritical I am since I love making fun of indie and scene kids (see, that shit right there). Overall, though, this whole confused and figuring out who I am and all that stuff is making me feel terribly cliche and douchey and all that jazz. It's predictable and retarded and I wish it would fuck off. I need to stop making excuses for myself. I do it way too often. I need to stop making retarded excuses and start working on all that shit I want to improve at or I'm not going to get any better at all. I really do this to myself and that's one of the most frustrating and sad parts.
Tomorrow is the fourth of July and I'm not sure what I'm doing yet. I just don't want to end up around people who annoy me. I'd like to go to the Olsens' party but I'm not sure if it's going to be that great. I mean, sure high and drunk people are amusing, but Bryan might be there (I really shouldn't let him dictate where I go and stuff, how fucking sad am I) and just... I don't know. Not sure I want to sit around a bunch of high/drunk people all night. Might end up doing it anyway. At least then I can get sauced and stop thinking about all this shit. I only get super wannabe-philosophical and emo and stuff at night. I should just keep old person hours and go to sleep at 9.
Current Mood: 
ridiculous
Current Music: Build the Moon - Charlotte Sometimes
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